The Misadventures of Frodum
by Jitendra
Summary: Frodum Frodum Frodum! I'm starting to get kinda fond of the little guy. Finally wrote ch3.... possibly my most ooc story ever... r & r
1. Default Chapter

Okay, to understand the whole Frodum thing, you have to read my other fic, "Frodo - how did he get so skinny anyway?". To understand the whole Frodum thing and attain Zen, you have to read and review my other fic, "Frodo - how did he get so skinny anyway?"  
  
Disclaimer: I own no recognizable characters.  
  
This is really really OOC, and oh yes, there will be a sequel.  
  
****  
  
The Misadventures of Frodum  
  
One day Frodum and Precious the boot were hiding out in Aragorn's closet.  
  
"Quietly now Precioussessuss" hissed Frodum, and the boot obliged by making no response. "Can't let the humanssessussess know we're here!" Unfortunately, Frodum yelled that last part as loud as he possibly could, and the closet door was burst open by Aragorn and Arwen.  
  
"SHRIEK!" exclaimed Arwen.  
  
"SHRIEK!" added Aragorn.  
  
"SHRIEKSEYESSESSESSUSS!" was Frodum's reply, and with that he hurled Precious at Arwen which killed her, against all probability.  
  
And then Frodum and Aragorn fell madly in love.  
  
At least, madly in love until Frodum got Aragorn's pants off and stormed away, shaken and outraged by Aragorn's little "abnormality".  
  
Frodum and Precious wandered for a little while, Precious contemplating life and Frodum muttering angrily. And then they were on top of Mount Doom. Frodum looked around, and then noticed the 90 foot high Pub. The Nyne Riders Blayke was owned and run by the 9 black riders of Sauron, and since his downfall, ie, they're sudden unemployment, they started they're own Pub.  
  
"Hissss, hissss... what is it, Precioussessussess?" asked Frodum. I just told you, you stupid FREAK! *thwak* Now get your scrawny ass in there!  
  
And so, cowering from the nasssty author, Frodum stumbled into the Pub....  
  
.... which turned out to be a Theatre House. On the stage, the 9 black riders were doing the Nutcracker. Frodum, wondering if this sort of blatant sexual display was legal, turned to the rest of the room. The only other people here were Orcs dressed up like elf maidens, and who were making - picture frames? - and a big evil guy dressed all in red. Frodum stared at the big evil guy for a second, and gasped. It was Sauron Claus! Frodum knew all about Sauron Claus - everyone did. He was that annoying homocidal war lord that lived on Mount Doom and every year he made picture frames for all the good little boys and girls, all the bad little boys and girls, all the boys and girls who were sometimes bad and sometimes good, all the parents, all the single people, all the transexuals, all the dead people, all the elves, all the orcs, all the dwarves, all the wargs, all the homosexuals, all eagles, all the ents, and especially for little angry pigs named Steven. Whether they wanted picture frames or not.  
  
Suddenly, Sauron Claus spotted him  
  
"Frodum! What an amazing boot you have! Won't you slay my guide tonight?" Sauron Claus cried. There was a hush, all the orcs held still, the Black Riders ceased they're sordid activities. Frodum was silent for a long time, and then he decided -  
  
"No!" and threw Precious at Sauron Claus *thok!* and knocked him dead. And then everybody loved him, and they shouted out with glee "No more Sauron Claus! Hee hee!!"  
  
And The Black Riders exclaimed "Hurray for Frodum!" But Frodum didn't hear them, because he was halfway down Mount Doom, looking for rocks to eat.  
  
"Precioussesssusss!!" 


	2. Up the river without a hobbit

This thingy- chapter thing continues right on from the last thingy. Right now I'm only writing this for my own sanity - as the last one got an astounding 2 reviews. Didn't you pay attention to the bit about zen?  
  
****  
  
Suddenly, Stalker showed up and stole Frodum's boot.   
"ACH!!!! PRECIOUSSSSESSSSUSSSSS!!!" cried Frodum.   
"Shut up. Now you weren't supposed to obsess over a friggin boot, dumb ass!" said Stalker as he destroyed the boot with his high tech destructo eye beams (those crazy, crazy elves). He then pulled something shiny and glowing with evil glowyness.   
"Here, be obsessed with the probably evil stone I gave you but somehow regained possession of." he then tossed the stone to the shocked Frodum who caught it.  
"I have to be obssssssesssssssssed with thisssss?" he hissed, looking at the stone.   
"Yes. And you also must call it Colonel Cheesepox. And now I must leave and go back to my planet...... forest." Glancing left and right Stalker pressed one of his rings and vanished, leaving Frodum with Colonel Cheesepox.   
"Right then!" said Colonel Cheesepox. "Lets go watch Martha Stewart!"  
Frodum hissed. "Geez, lighten up kid. How about a nice song?"   
"You really are probably evil, aren't you?" Frodum muttered. But Frodum was nothing if not optimistic, and he decided to give this new obsession a go. But Colonel Cheesepox was no boot, and getting used to him would be hard, as Frodum was quickly discovering.   
"why don't elves have pointy ears? Isn't that a neccessary characteristic of them? If so they're failing miserably. You tell them that, right, next elf we see, tell him 'oi! wheres your pointy ears you tree-climbing squirrel freak?!' and if they shoot arrows at you or something, don't worry about it I'll be fine and I'm sure you can run fast, your the one with the legs you know...." and so on. Cheesepox seemed capable of ceaseless chatter. Frodum had never known anything so annoying or probably evil in his life. Frodum was annoyed. He therefore threw colonel Cheesepox into a convenient nearby river (Keep in mind that Frodum is on Mount Doom. Where will the insanity end?)  
"Glad thats over with" mused Frodum, with a touch of his old Frodo self. However, just as he turned to walk away, he tripped over something probably evil. It was that damn stone!   
"HAHAHAHA!!!! YOU CANNOT DESTROY ME SO EASILY!!! and another thing, who told you it was okay to start acting normally again?" said the stone.  
"I-"  
"What, do you want the story to just end here?"  
"I-"  
"What kind of selfish halfling are you? How dare you try to get rid of me, your Precious!"  
"But-"   
"You bloody great pillock, I'll have your little hide. That actually reminds me of a story, I was with these elves a couple thousand years ago, who were hiding from this sort of creature that cuts your hair and drafts you in the army...." and so on. Frodum stared in amazement, and felt what little he had of his sanity slipping away. Obviously, this stone needed more than water to corrode its probably evil wiles.   
  
****  
disclaimer: I own no recognizable characters. 


	3. Hey, Was a Chapter Skipped or Something?

YAY! I finally decided to start writing again ^_^ 3rd chapter! 3rd chapter! When the hell will I write a plot for this damned thing? I start off with a plot, but then parts of it get bored waiting to be written, and bugger off to the pub for a few drinks. I need some chains.  
  
Anyway, anyway, the 3rd chapter! In which our beloved little Frodum does stuff!  
  
Oh yeah, thanks goes to that author Lyle, who was only happy to point out my grammatical errors so as to motivate an army to bring me down, strip me of my fame and glory and leave me to live the rest of my life as a shunned outcast! J/k XD  
  
*****  
  
Hey, Was a Chapter Skipped or Something?  
  
Frodum spent the next week trying - and failing - to ignore Colonel Cheesepox's incessant chatter. That blasted stone would talk about anything, including how much its feet hurt from all the walking it wasn't doing. Frodum attempted to block the stone out of his mind by thinking longingly of his boot. This worked almost too well it seemed, because he didn't notice when Celeborn was suddenly talking to him.  
  
"Hey! Hey listen to me you communist bastard!" said the elf. Frodum stared up at him, and started.  
  
"HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" Said he. Celeborn winced. Obviously, Frodum was still mad about that little incident with the brass frogs and 40 tons of pencil shavings, although he still couldn't think how that had gone wrong (a/n: haha!!! Skipped a chapter!).  
  
"Nevermind that now" he said bracingly. "Listen, I need to borrow your giant cabbage!"  
  
Frodum stared at him until he almost set Celeborn on fire. But Frodum was no Gandalf.  
  
"What cabbage?" he asked with narrowed eyes and a glowing stone.  
  
"That one," replied Celeborn, pointing straight at the stone.  
  
"This isssssn't a giant cabbage. Itssss a probably evil glowing sstone."  
  
"No its not. Its a cabbage."  
  
"Glowing sstone"  
  
"giant cabbage!"  
  
"sssstone!"  
  
"cabbage!" with an exasperated sigh Celeborn folded his arms. "Just look already! Its a giant cabbage!"  
  
Muttering darkly, Frodum turned and looked. And it really was a giant cabbage. He stared at it. It stared back.  
  
And then it said "kasquee?" Frodum turned back to Faramir - Faramir?! What happened to Celeborn?  
  
"He - er - had to leave.... called away..." said Faramir, glancing from side to side.  
  
"Isss that a shovel?" Frodum asked, staring at his hand. The Giant Cabbage said "kasquee?" again. Faramir glanced at the shovel and threw it into a nearby bush.  
  
"What shovel?" He said innocently, and before Frodum could speak he continued. "Now Frodum, you really should stay away from that cabbage" he said warningly.  
  
"Why should I?" snapped Frodum.  
  
"Kasquee?"  
  
"Well you know... a nice little...err... thing like you, all alone.... alot of weirdoes out here... anything could happen. You gotta watch out for those cabbages."  
  
"Faramir..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Issss that a ssssquirrel in your pantsss?"  
  
".....no..."  
  
A long silence followed this last statement. It was broken by the Cabbage.  
  
"GRRRRRRRRRR" it said. Then it started to roll. Faramir and Frodum ran away in terror.  
  
"See! I told you they're dangerous!" said Faramir.  
  
"Whatever!" snapped Frodum. "Get us out of here!" Behind them the giant Cabbage was going "kasqueekasqueekasqueekasquee" and they kept running. Suddenly Faramir grabbed Frodum.  
  
"Hisss! What are you doing!" cried Frodum, as Faramir leapt high up into the air.  
  
"Don't worry, I have a plan!" replied Faramir, while turning in mid air to face the Cabbage from above. "Hang on!"  
  
"Fox tail inferno!!!!!" yelled Faramir. Nothing happened.  
  
"Uh, you know Faramir, the important factor of that attack issss having a tail" said Frodum. And then gravity caught up with them and they fell, with Faramir lamenting his failure  
  
"OH FUUUUUUUUUC-" but the last part was drowned out by a deafening explosion. Opening his eyes, Frodum saw the cabbage being blown apart. But then they hit the ground, and for 20 seconds, Frodum didn't see anything. When he woke up, the first thing he saw was -  
  
"Celeborn?"  
  
"Yes. I destroyed the Cabbage." YES! Go Elvish High Tech Destructo Eyebeams! Score!  
  
"And now I will destroy you!" said Celeborn. Frodum jerked.  
  
"Who, me?"  
  
"No. Him!" Celeborn was pointing at Faramir, who had just recovered.  
  
"Steal my part in the story, will you! I'll slay you! Slay you to death!" said the enraged elf. Somewhere, in the depths of Frodum's mind he heard a distant noise....  
  
"......kasqueekasqueekasqueekasquee...."  
  
*****  
  
tired. Should I write another chapter? I dunno. Maybe. If I can find the strength. Hey review and tell me how much you love High Tech Destructo Eye Beams!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing! 


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